The Storm

i woke up in the middle of the night last night because of a storm. i woke up to the sound of my house shaking with thunder. then i looked out the window and there were lightening storms all over the sky. as i got back into the bed, i had trouble falling asleep. the storm reminded me of another time period in my life. it was one of those dark periods in my life (as others have called it).

i remembered a night many years ago, when i was living in charlotte and there was a similar storm taking place. i think they may have been predicting a hurricane or tropical storm that night. they advised for everyone to stay inside, if possible. i chose to go out. i remember picking up a friend and sitting out on the porch at fat city (an old charlotte bar).

what bothered me and kept me up a bit longer was not this particular story, but more so...who i was at the time. i was in a dark place. see, for three years consecutively, i lost someone close to me. the first year, it was a friend who died of a drug overdose. the second year, it was my father who died with multiple sclerosis. the third year, it was an ex who died of a brain aneuryism. so yes, i had some dark years. but i was thinking about how difficult it is to experience the death of people you care/cared about. more specifically, how i responded to this.

it seemed like with each year and with each passing, i started caring less and less about everything around me. i gave up. i think the image that stuck with me was an image of myself at that time. i was completely out of control. i drank as much as possible. i took pills. and for the sake of sounding completely over dramatic, i was essentially hoping that in some way the universe would take me back. yeah, it was a dark period. i remember not being scared of anything at all.

i remember also feeling terribly alone at that period. there were very few people who could stand being around me. and those that were around me, completely took advantage of the fact that i didn't care about anything. you could always count on me to go out and stay out late. you could always count on me to blow an entire paycheck on drinks, for myself and them.

now, i'm not trying to glamorize it. in no way do i find it glamourous. it wasn't at the time and in retrospect, it certainly isn't now. i find it sad that i was self destructing. i'm awfully thankful that those years passed. i remember thinking i would never move past those moments while they were happening. i'm happy that i made it through those years and grew out of my young adult angst. i slowly learned how to find joy and happiness.

as i sat awake in bed, i thought how different i feel now. how that sad girl didn't feel like me at all. how i couldn't believe i actually was ever that person. i hesitated (as i am now) about writing about this, but at the same time that you outgrow the person you were...it is still part of your history. and since i don't write sad songs to recollect about those moments, this is one of the few places that i have to reflect on these experiences. and hell, this blog can't always be happy go lucky, now can it?