What Happens When You Are 31

i fully recognize the fact that i'll be 32 in only a few odd weeks, but while we are here...i find that in my age bracket, you find various things exciting and interesting...i won't go into a full list of these items, but rather express to you my excitement.

yes, i've been counting down the months (since last summer) and now, counting down the days (since last month) until the grand opening of the super bi-lo in my neighborhood. i grow quite attached to grocery stores and usually the folks that work in them (see an earlier post about the bag boy, pavel). regardless, the closest grocery store to our house is inadequate. you never can find any "weird" vegetables (ironically, this includes things like squash and bok choy), fresh herbs, and certainly finding tofu isn't happening. so you can only imagine my excitement in hearing that a super bi-lo would be taking its place in mid 2007. they missed the mark, but the grand opening is tonight.

you heard it here first. and it is even closer to my house than the old, fucked up bi-lo.

you would have thought tim and i were 80 years old (no offense, maw maw!)...as i emailed him with the news...."they've got an organic section"...and "i hear they have a cafe"...and "they are open 24 hours!" i'm not sure the last time i tried to go to the grocery store after dark, but apparently somewhere deep down, i feel this is a strong selling point.

now the funny part, i was on my way after work to the new super bi-lo. i called tim to share the joy. he was jealous. he might not admit it, but he was. so i asked if i should wait for him. and he said yes. that is what i'm doing right now. my anticipation is killing me.

what will it look like? where do they keep the flowers? and how big will the produce section be? the bakery? will titus still be working there? will they have new uniforms?

yes, it is killing me. it is also killing me that i wrote an entire post about the super bi-lo. you owe me bi-lo. you owe me big.

5 Items On My Bucket List

last night, tim and i had dinner at a tapas restaurant. yes, it was our valentine's celebration. see, it is very easy to get into any restaurant you want on the night before valentine's. i've never really been into celebrating this holiday. that being said, after one beverage at dinner, our conversation did not situate on us discussing love and relationships, but rather death. ha.

specifically i was thinking about a NPR podcast that i listened to about the movie, the bucket list. the podcast was less about the movie and more about the idea of creating a bucket list, which is apparently the list of things to do before you kick the bucket. and of course, i was struck with the idea that it is completely ridiculous to wait until you get the "6 more months" diagnosis...to do all the things in life that you'd like to do...if you thought time was running out. why not do those things now?

then i started thinking...what would be on my bucket list? this is the question that filled most of tim and i's romantic valentine's dinner conversation. ha. but here is the list...

1) Live in Prague (for a short or long period of time).

2) Travel the United States, very low key...sleeping in the back of a truck, camping, meeting the seedy underbelly all over the world.

3) Live with my Mom again.

4) Try any and every drug I have ever been curious about.

5) Learn to play the pedal steel and then tour with a rock band.

I finished my list and then realized these were all pretty selfish requests...so I figured I could throw one more item that would include doing something for the better good....

6) Create an animal sanctuary.

Plotting her escape...

i'm not sure if i've mentioned it or not, but i applied to doctoral programs for the fall of 2008. three places. vanderbilt. emory. and uva. it became part of my master plan to get away from myrtle beach. i mean, myrtle beach...we've had our good times, our bad times...but seriously, i need a little space.

regardless, today i heard from vanderbilt. i got accepted. i will be given an excellent package, if i choose this particular school. i've still got two more to hear from...so i'm not jumping to any conclusions. what if another school offers to give me a phd without having to attend? i'd probably take them up on that.

with that being said, it was the first time that i realized with assurance that i would be leaving the beach. regardless of whether or not the other schools want me, i have a place to go. i have a place that expects to see me in august. i scrolled through the current graduate students names wondering which one will be barnshaw? which one will be mike? which one will be my ewing?

on my daily walk on the beach, i sort of felt the joy and nostalgia of leaving a place. i looked out at the ocean and thought i'll miss it. when i arrived at school today and informed the department of my early news...they all were so very excited. they hugged me. they were proud. and i thought, yep, i'll miss it.

"And I
Never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you
And if I should ever go away
Well then close your eyes and try to feel the way we do today
And then if you can't remember...

Keep smilin'
Keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me
for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times
And bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for"

Being an asshole and such...

i honestly had no idea that i hadn't posted anything in so long...and that alone should be enough for you to recognize that i'm ultimately self-involved (why else would i have a blog?) and that i've been really caught up in myself lately.

besides school starting, i've also been in the process of going through some self revelations....those are actually quite boring, so i won't get into it right here, right now.

regardless, on friday night, tim, patrick, and i made our way to the pirates cove. the cove is one of the two places where we've heard someone playing the flaming lips over the loud speakers, so we like to frequent it. regardless, we also wanted to see this band, the magnolia network. i also had planned on watching them semi-sober, as i hadn't seen them that way before. there was a band opening for them called the second.

when the second started playing, i sort of pushed back in my chair realizing a night of planned sobriety was going to be more difficult than i realized. listening to the lyrics, tim and i made snide comments to one another. yes, surprise, surprise, i was being an asshole. yet again. and completely sober at that!

between the sets, a lovely young man came over and introduced himself, hopefully to be our third friend in this area...and while we were talking he asked if we had heard about the guy from the first band. so.....this is when i started feeling bad. apparently the guy was playing this show, because it is his last show. last show because he recently found out that he has cancer in his lymph nodes and has to have one of his arms amputated. i fucking kid you not. i think at this point in time, i decided it was okay to drink. sorry magnolia network, we'll try for complete sobriety some other time.

i spent the rest of the evening trying to imagine. i watched this young man walk around the bar, getting his picture taken with friends and family. joking with local patrons. and while i watched him smoke a cigarette with one hand and drink a beer with another- all i could think was goddamn......

and of course, the whole idea turns selfish for most people as you try to imagine yourself in this position. the fella was handling it obviously well. he seemed fine. he seemed nice even. and that made it even worse. here is someone going through a situation i couldn't begin to imagine, and he was doing it with such grace. not me. i wouldn't be graceful. i'd be drunk, belligerent, and demanding that the world owes me something. well a goddamn arm, for one.

i don't have any broad sweeping moral of this story. just some thoughts.