I'm not sure why I wanted this item to be on my bucket list. Before I placed it on the list, it seemed like a damn fine idea, given my financial circumstances. I had never gambled before (unless you consider the occasional lottery ticket) and I had never been on a cruise before. So, it seemed like the appropriate thing to do. It also seemed more intriguing because I had passes that meant I only had to pay $10 bucks and I could board, eat, drink...all for free. It seemed perfect.
When I mentioned my bucket list to Jennie Ann, this was the one item that she seemed ultimately thrilled about helping out with. So, with her visit this weekend- we decided to saddle up and take our cruise on Saturday. Upon waking on Saturday, I noticed it was extremely cloudy outside. I looked on the weather site and discovered a small tropical storm was headed toward our coast. I quickly phoned the cruise line (which due to any number of possible lawsuits- I will leave the name anonymous). They informed me that the boat would still be setting sail at the normal time. I figured this must mean it was safe. My mistake.
Upon boarding, the first thing I noticed was there was no instruction, no direction. Hell, I had no idea where the food was, where the slot machines were, how I was to get change, and where the hell the boat was even located. A few wrong turns and we found ourselves being run through metal detectors and walking onto the boat. Hell, I was excited. I do believe the evening before I even dreamed that I won a couple of thousand dollars. Now, that would have been too perfect.
Jennie Ann and I figured that we'd grab a bite to eat before the boat took off. They had a buffet line, which featured a number of unfavorable veggies and some even scarier looking meat. I grabbed some green beans, some potatoes, a doughnut, and a muffin. And oh yeah, a sprite. There was something about this boat I already knew would make my stomach feel unsettled. The following picture I think communicates very well the exact glory and just how delicious the food was.
After eating, we noticed that people were already setting up at slot machines and tables. Apparently, you are suppose to locate the machine you'd like to start with- then place a piece of paper in the slot to indicate to all other gamblers you had reserved this machine. This was the fun part. We found a couple of .25 cent machines, which we then proceeded to try to interpret. Luckily, we made friends with an older gentleman that sat nearby. He informed us about how to use the machines, but also gave us hints about how to "win." We sat talking with him, while the boat began to motor up and pass down the waterway. It was beautiful really, as we started to pull into the ocean (into what are "international waters"). I was excited. See below.
As we got further out in the ocean, we ran right into the storm. The waves started getting bigger. The boat was bouncing upon each wave. I started feeling a little uneasy. Luckily we asked our older friend to tell us interesting stories, which were about gambling, his Navy career, and some weird story about falling in love with one woman- then marrying another. As distracting as these stories became, I noticed something distinctly odd about my stomach. I knew that at any moment, they'd turn the machines on and I'd be a millionaire. But I also noticed that I had started to perspire a bit on my forehead. I started feeling sort of odd. So, I stumbled my way to the bathroom to throw some cold water on my face. While in there, I heard the speaker inform us that it was time. We could now gamble- and have free drinks.
Now, I'm normally a big fan of free drinks. Jennie Ann and I laughed about possibly having to call a cab home. But about $5.00 dollars into my gambling- when the waitress came waltzing over- all I could think about was that I wanted a sprite. And I needed one, now. We kept gambling. I won $30 bucks, which was helpful and distracting- but at the end of my first $10 dollars- I felt like I needed a little fresh air. The picture below communicates the dizziness and the unease I was starting to feel stuck on this casino boat, as it rocked back and forth.
We walked around the boat for a while. We thought some fresh air might make us both feel better, so we headed for the sun deck. I'm sure the sun deck is excellent when there happens to be sun. Instead the waves were crashing all about, the rain was coming in sideways, and I swear I imagined myself slipping and becoming the woman overboard. So, we found a small table in the bar area to take a rest. As I sat down, the most bizarre feeling came over me. I was utterly and completely- seasick. I realized never having been on a boat quite that far out in the ocean...I didn't realize I might be one of those people. I became consumed with overcoming this fault of mine. Jennie Ann got me a sprite (yes, this would be the second among 15 of them) and a dramamine. As the moments passed, I felt exponentially sick.
I told Jennie Ann to go off and gamble and let me get my sea legs and before long I'd be back in action. I glanced down at my watch, it was 1:30. I glanced out at the crashing waves. I thought to myself how I had no idea how I would make it for the next 4 hours. I also started noticing that I wasn't the only one sick. There were several others.
Around 2pm, I found myself locked in a bathroom stall. I didn't think I was so seasick that I was going to physically be sick (like that), but upon entering the bathroom and finding that I wasn't the only one in there who was sick- everything got worse. I am speculating that I spent about a half hour, walking back and forth from the bathroom. During this half hour, I noticed that the number of people getting sick increased. It increased fast. I started to believe this was the worst idea that I have ever had.
I heard people in the bathroom talking. Someone was discussing how many cruises they have been on and how they had never been sick. Someone else informed their friend that this was the first cruise they had been on...and now, the last cruise. I concur. I also heard one of the medic folks in the bathroom discussing why some folks get sick and others don't. Her highly trained medical opinion is that those folks that get seasick are inherently afraid of drowning. So, "we" are afraid and this makes us sick. What the fuck? No. I was hoping we would drown. It felt like at that moment, it was the ONLY thing that would stop this horrible rocking.
That is the thing about bucket lists- sometimes there are ideas you have. Sometimes these ideas are horrible. They are bad ideas. What was I thinking? A tropical storm. A rocking boat. A casino with loud sounds and bright, blinking lights. People were smoking constantly. I had no idea that people still smoked. I thought I was the only one left. But this cruise told me that I'm in the minority because I don't smoke 5 packs a day. I started to feel like the moment in Knocked Up when the character Ben says, "The mushrooms are turning on me!"
Around 2:30 pm or so, I stumbled out of the bathroom. I needed a place to lay down. There were a couple of couches filled with other sick folks. I noticed a couple sitting close by. They were laid back and there was a small space near them. I stumbled over, looking all fucked up, and pleaded that they share the couch with me. They were happy to help. The fella informed me to put my feet up in the chair, sit back, and close my eyes. And you know what, it worked. Now, I wasn't completely cured. Far from it, but I felt slightly better. I did continue to cling my "motion sickness bag" in hand, just in case. After sitting there in the peace and quiet, Jennie Ann found me. She informed me that I might feel better on the bottom floor, closer to the destruction of those evil waves. I told her to find me a place I could sit back and relax and I'd try to make it down. This was the last time I saw Jennie Ann until we were re-entering the waterway.
For the rest of the trip, I sat on this couch. I didn't get any cell phone service- or I swear I would have called my mom and pleaded with her to phone someone to get me off this horrible, horrible boat. I looked around, even more people were sick. They were everywhere. Little white bags in hand. And that same look on their face that said, "Fuck this."
Around 3:00pm, I noticed that a fella wearing a black shirt, black jeans, and black cowboy boots started setting up his microphone and guitar right below where I was sitting. I generally love music, but every strum of that guitar...I started to question if I would be able to make it back to the bathroom. The totally obnoxious, real full of himself entertainer proceeded to make jokes about all the sick people. Apparently it was funny. I also noticed how many people walked into the bar and either laughed or looked annoyed that we were taking up all the space. I wanted to yell out to them that this wasn't exactly how I planned to spend my day. But I just didn't have the energy. So, in my normal passive aggressive way, I just burned holes through them and wished this same sickness upon them.
In the middle of the casino boat rockstar's set, he had to take a break. Mostly because he could barely stand on stage. I started to worry that maybe the boat might not make it back to shore. The waves were incredible and they were pounding on the sides of the boat. I saw an older fella, who looked like someone who had previously served some time in the military, jump up and head to the back of the boat to inspect. This made me very nervous. I felt like he knew something I didn't. And the whole time I wondered if Jennie Ann had won a million for us yet.
Finally, the casino boat captain decided we needed to head back. They made an announcement that we shouldn't move, because the boat had to change course and head back and they would try their best to get us "safely" back to shore. See my concern? The boat motor started, making a horrible, scary sound. After about 10 minutes of a potential capsize situation, they announced we were free to move around again. Right.
I don't know if it was the fact I knew we were heading back or if the waves started to die down, but I started slowly feeling better. It was now 3:30 and I was wondering if I would have a chance to gamble away the rest of my savings (the other $10). It was around this time that a mean lady informed all of us sick folks that she needed to clean the room and that we'd have to move into another area. I swear...and I never think thoughts like this, but I thought, what a see-you-next-tuesday. The couple next to me looked at me in disbelief and asked, "Do we really have to move?"
I stumbled out into the casino. The smoking. The lights. The people. The sound. The music. I couldn't find a solo slot machine to make my home for the rest fo the ride. I couldn't find Jennie Ann. I thought that if I distracted myself, I might could make it without using that little white bag. And that is just what I did. I gambled for the next 30 minutes. Finally, I had service on my phone again and found out that Jennie Ann herself became sick shortly after venturing to find a place downstairs for me. She was sitting on the first floor, at the bar, with her head down, hood on the sweatshirt over her head, trying not to be sick.
I finally made my way down to her. And that damn entertainer was still going. And then the most hilarious thing happened, everyone started feeling better. You could tell. He was playing some Motown song and you noticed people laughing again. They were tapping their feet. We had survived. And mile by mile, I felt the nausea subside. Of course when I saw an extremely large man order a cheeseburger, I felt a little sick again. As we finished the ride, the entertainer got out his "dummy" and started performing his ventriloquist skills. Uh-oh, was I going to be sick again?
But we made it. I broke even on many different levels. Jennie Ann and I stood right outside the door, anxiously awaiting to set foot on the ground. The more we thought about it and talked, we realized it was almost like surviving some type of natural disaster. And I felt fucking exhausted. It was horrible. Absolutely horrible.
The picture below, which is totally and completely unflattering portrays the sheer hell that we endured on that boat.
After leaving the area and driving back to my safe neighborhood in Windy Hill, Jennie Ann and I realized we had a hankering for hangover food. And that is when we realized that the experience of being seasick was ultimately like having a hangover. The worst hangover possible. And here was the worst part- we didn't even get to drink and have a wild, rambunctious time to lead up to a hangover. At times, hangovers can be okay. Because you feel terrible, but you can sort of revel in all the weird things you did the night before. We didn't have that. All I had was the same $20 that I boarded the ship with (hell I had even paid 10 dollars for this wonderful experience)...but all the repercussions of the hangover were there.
I'm pretty sure we didn't talk about anything else for the rest of the night. I'm not sure I'll be able to talk about anything else for a few days. It was traumatic. It was horrible. And I am pretty sure that I'll never set foot on another boat again.
I'm moving on to my other bucket items. I've just got to wipe the slate clean.
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