sleeveless shirts and such

i teach an online course...and in our discussion board they were attempting to explain where their attitudes developed about gun control. it always turns into a forum of pro-gun...but a student posted this comment this morning.

"Though I generally agree with the 2nd amendment, I think some people lose the right to bare arms."

ha. so, apparently the 2nd amendment didn't speak to times of war, but rather to tank tops and sleeveless shirts. and by the way, i agree, some people do lose the right to have bare arms.

Adventures in Real Estate and Other Things...

yes, i admit it. i'm a sucker for reality cooking shows. i discovered i like shows where the participant is responsible for producing something- even with a side of drama. so, i find myself watching top chef, hell's kitchen, project runway. i don't really like shows where a tangible product is not produced (i.e. american idol, so you think you can dance, bachelor/ette). regardless, i found it interesting on the finale of top chef last week the way that the judges responded to a comment made by finalist, richard (pictured above).

richard remarked that he felt he had f-ed up his final challenge. he made these comments at the moment where the judges had asked all contestants to make their last plea for why they should stay. he was honest. right as the contestants left the room, the judges started discussing how they couldn't believe richard just said that. and i paused and thought, "really?"

it seems that failure or mediocrity is not to be mentioned. if you feel like you have not created/produced up to par, you should pretend that you excelled. you should LIE. you should get in the judges' face and in faux-confidence inform them you are the best chef in the world, even though you didn't put any seasoning on the porkbelly. perhaps that was part of your plan. and even if it wasn't, you should act like it was.

maybe it is just me, but i think it takes more strength and confidence for someone to admit when they really feel like they screwed up. if a chef can't tell when they've made a mistake- wouldn't this make them horrible? shouldn't you know good from bad? i suppose my academic training has taught me there is nothing wrong with admitting fault. when you conduct research, one of the most important and final things you do in your paper/presentation is to tell the entire academic community where you went wrong. my method was not good. my sample too small. i should have used a different data set....see, for knowledge to be produced- it is ultimately important to see the weaknesses and strengths. to point them out, but to also pave the way for others. and you know what, it makes the research stronger, as well as the members of that community. apparently in the world of top chef, you should pretend you don't know the difference.

i wish that reality television was the only thing going on in my life right now. i'm currently teaching 3 summer classes. i'm trying to figure out how to move to nashville. and i'm trying to figure out where to move to nashville. a couple of months ago, i decided to buy a house. when i realized that i've given the landlord at my current apartment about 20K over the last few years, i realized what keeps me from rising into the middle class- real estate.

buying a house isn't as easy as i thought. you need loads of paperwork and loads of money. so, i've recently encountered a setback- namely, a job. so, now i'm grappling with finding a place to live in nashville for 2 months, so i can buy a house and then move twice- while starting my first few months of a doctoral program. what fun.

seeing as how i'm living from ebay sale to ebay sale (instead of paycheck to paycheck), i've been looking for all types of ways to cut costs. in case you aren't aware, there is a major price difference for spices in your grocery store. go to the regular spice aisle- generally where you can find sugar, flour, and other cooking/baking ingredients. pick up a jar of bay leaves. when i checked the other day, bay leaves in a jar cost around 6 bucks. but then venture a couple of aisles over...to the hispanic section (which by the way, does anyone else find it odd that this aisle is named "mexican" even though there is usually a more diverse hispanic population in the area?)...anyways, go to this ethnic aisle and you'll find spices for much, much cheaper. i found bay leaves (more than what you get in the bottle) for .79 cents. and it doesn't stop there...pretty much all the spices are much cheaper. the brand is badia. so go save some money.

What Goes Through Your Head

they always say that when you are confronted with the moment of death, your life flashes before your eyes. you review very quickly all the happy and all the sad moments of your life.

this last weekend, while i was visiting with my best friend jennie ann- we decided to walk up to a local restaurant for a couple of drinks. as we were crossing the street at the appropriate crosswalk and during the appropriate time, a car came quickly around the corner very quickly. it came straight towards us. i'm not sure they originally saw us crossing the street.

so what happened? well. nothing. it was sheer shock. as the car came quickly toward me (of course, to veer away at the last moment), i stood in shock. my mouth gaping open with a look on my face that communicated, "what the fuck?" i didn't think of when i was 6 years old and my mom bought me a matchbox car. i didn't think about when i graduated from high school. i didn't think about my brothers' first day of elementary school. i thought nothing. shock.

besides that, i did reach out and grab jennie ann's hand. so there we stood. shock and awe. mouths open. holding hands. in the middle of the street.

i think this whole life and death thing is far less complicated that most people would have you believe. though, i'm glad i didn't die on the street in plaza midwood while on my way to some horrible bar.

SNL and Being Old(er)

last saturday, after visiting the mayfest in north myrtle beach (which featured a couple of "members" of the beach boys and dean from jan and dean), we discussed our plans for the evening. i mentioned how i wanted to watch saturday night live, mostly because my morning jacket would be the musical guest.

then i made the comment about how watching SNL is good because you go out but ensure that you make it home by 11:30pm. that is when i realized, i never use to watch SNL when i was in my 20's. i mean, it was an occasional experience, but i never really planned to watch it. and i never watched it because on a saturday night between the hours of 11:30 and 1am- i probably didn't know where my car was...or where i lived. when i was younger, i was usually wasted at this time- on my way to finding out where the after party would be taking place.

now, i'm not casting a rose colored tint on my previous late night activities, because i'm glad i'm not trying to find the after party- because honestly, it seemed a bit sick and sad in retrospect- but it just seems that if you are a regular SNL viewer...then you are either 1) on your way to being a certain age or 2) moving away from that certain age.

the thing is...a nice night staying at home watching snl and waking up on sunday feeling rested seems like a perfect way to spend a saturday night. yes, i'm old.

My Summer of Craftiness

today is day one of my summer break. as some of you may know, summer is at both times the greatest and worst time of the year for teachers. you go from organizing the grades and schedules of 100-200 students to not even organizing your own day. you also go from having a pretty regular income to having absolutely none. now, i am doing some teaching this summer- but it also means that i'm coming up a bit short. with the upcoming move, i've been considering numerous summer employment options.

one involved me working with alligators and outside.

another one involved working at one of those places where you "model" for customers.

and then i realized i'm going to have to play this summer like the White Sox won the 2005 series. one ball, one base, one run at a time. so, i figured out the total i need to earn for moving by the end of the summer. and i've now gone about chipping away at this total. i figured i'm saving myself at least 50 bucks a week by not leaving my house. besides orchestrating a deal to work manual, hard labor for my mother for a week- i'll probably be calling on you this week to see what i can do for you. that's right, i'm for hire.

besides that...i discovered today that students shouldn't be the only ones that are allowed to sell back their books at the end of the semester- which was certainly one of the most awesome days in college. what a brilliant idea. your parents buy the textbooks at these outstanding prices, then you sell them back at less than half the price and keep the money, never mentioning that bottle of southern comfort to mom either.

so...my horrible confession. i sold back books today online. i couldn't fathom being caught by any students, so i went online- where all wrong-doers can feel better about themselves. i'm pretty sure i'm not even suppose to be doing this. but once i saw that i could get 26 bucks for one book, i was hooked. to clear my guilt, i did donate a couple of books to bringing about world peace...but here is the thing...after it was all said and packaged for the post office- i earned about 170 dollars today.

now only 2830 more to go.

Fortune Cookie, Take Your Time

i'm not a religious person. i try not to say "things always happen for a reason" too often. as i always question, well- why? why do things always happen for a reason? it just doesn't make any sense, particularly without the great patriarch pulling the strings in our lives.

that being said (which is something i try to say often), i find myself seeking meaning in the oddest of places.

1) i always believe that if a random homeless person approaches me and provides me with some nugget of philosophical rambling- that this has particular importance for my particular life.

2) i supremely believe in the power of what i call "the radio game." this game got started on the many, many long road trips that i took during high school and college. finding myself bored with all the tapes i had packed, i would switch on the radio. finding a great oldies station, i would designate the next song as my theme song. the song that would tell me something about my life. then i would spend those 3minutes seeing how sam cooke's chain gang related to my life. of course, this game can be played with any radio station- as well as i have adapted it for my ipod, by simply using the shuffle option. beyond your theme song, you can provide narrow parameters- for example, "this is my song about this weekend" or "this is my song about moving" or "this is igor's song about his love affair with gravy"...yes, it is very entertaining and yes, the possibilities are endless. though i do find myself spending WAY too much time on the road playing this game.

3) i've always found fortune cookies to be ultimately telling about my life. and i don't think i'm the only one that believes in this power. it reminds me of a scene in no country for old men. in that we like to imagine this particular fortune cookie traveled all that distance just to make it to our particular table on this particular evening...just to communicate this particular message to us. perhaps it has no meaning at all. (note: this was the best clip i could find, but it cuts off one second too early...before he says, "which it is.")




regardless, i have recently received these two fortunes...i'm still trying to interpret accurately the first one. any suggestions will help.

1) the best throw of the dice is to throw them away.

2) don't be hasty; prosperity will knock on your door soon.

Two Types of People

it dawned on me yesterday on my way to school that there are two types of people in this world. there are those who merge into traffic easily, quickly, and without the incoming lane of traffic having to slow down.

then there are those that don't merge into traffic easily. they hesitate. they stop and place their blinker on at the end of the merging lane. it causes the entire lane of traffic to stop, slow, have to get over into other lanes. trouble-makers, i call them.

i think its hesitation due to a lack of being able to see a few steps ahead in time.

two types. and it speaks about more than just your traffic courtesy...but could perhaps be applied to other areas of life. not that i'm passing judgment.

yes, classes are almost over.

A couple of weeks ago, Tim brought home a copy of Vanity Fair's April 2008 issue. On the cover are images of Sarah Silverman, Tina Fey, and Amy Poehler with an article entitled, "Who Says Women Aren't Funny?" My interest was piqued. Are women not funny? And who is the unfunny motherfucker who said we aren't funny? Imagine my distinct surprise when I discovered that this article was written in reference to Christopher Hitchens' article from the January 2007 issue entitled, "Why Women Aren't Funny."

Now, I'm fond of Hitchens. I like the fact that he is not only in your face about his arguments, but he can back up his arguments with history and research in a way that leaves you scratching your head for a response. That being said, he can mess with the religious folks all he wants, when he trespassed into my territory- a different story. Yes, I'm selfish. I can't help it. I'm a woman.

Here is a link to Hitchens' story from Vanity Fair. "Why Women Aren't Funny."

Like I said, I found myself trying to debate his points. And I think as usual, Hitchens writes in a way that is meant to offend. We can't blame him. He is a man. Regardless, I think he makes some interesting and valid points. Not all of them hold up, but some good talking points.

For one, he speaks about humor as being part of relationships. So, women look for men with a good sense of humor and men look for women with a good sense of exercise. He does also mention the societal expectations placed upon men and women. So, men feel the necessity to hone this craft over the years- to not only pick up women, but also to compete with other primates (oops, I meant men). Women, on the other hand, have learned over the years that being funny is threatening to men. So, they do not spend time on this craft in fear running off the men-folk if they do make a joke. Particularly if the joke is at his expense.

Here is one line I particularly enjoy: "Whereas women, bless their tender hearts, would prefer that life be fair, and even sweet, rather than the sordid mess it actually is." I just don't even know where he is gathering this data, not from the women I know. Fuck, the idea that life is fair and sweet, that ship sailed long ago.

Hitchens also remarks that women, for some reason (really?), "do not find their own physical decay to be riotously amusing." I question, why should we? When merely several paragraphs before you informed me that this is my worth in society? If my worth is based on my physical body, why would I laugh at this decline? Perhaps this is equivalent to us (and it pains me to even get into "us" and "them") saying your jokes aren't funny anymore. Or I've heard that one before. "I don't know, his jokes just seem sort of flat and he isn't really working on them anymore, perhaps I should find a newer model."

Much of this article speaks to women being sacred earth mothers. Part of motherhood is what makes them so damn unfunny. Though Hitchens does start to turn his argument around in saying that it is the nature of this societal relationship where women learn not to be funny. He isn't saying it is a biological deficiency, but rather to keep him around, she must learn to keep this humor to herself. Laugh at his jokes. It is all a farce that we must put on as women. Talk about second shift.

I could go on and on about Hitchens' article, but there is also the issue of Alessandra Stanley's article in response. Stanley's article didn't feel like a response to me and shouldn't have necessarily been sold that way. I read on some blog a moment ago a fella remarking how "not" funny this article was, as well as how it took her 14 months to craft her unfunny response. I wonder if the world of publishing had anything to do with the time lapse. I do have to say that I didn't really care for the article. It focused more on modern day comedy, speaking to the fact that women to be successful in the humor business, must be both sexy and funny. I just didn't feel that Stanley adequately responsed or tore Hitchens a new one as I so anxiously hoped she would.

Before I read the articles, I immediately thought...okay, so after cleaning the house, cleaning up after you and the kids, struggling for a comparable wage in our workplace, and ignoring the catcalls while we walk down the street- we obviously forgot to work on our humor. Damn those women, Lazy bitches. Then I started thinking about what is humor? Perhaps there are different standards? Perhaps humor is a luxury. Something you need the time and privilege and prestige to develop or find appreciation in? Just some initial thoughts.

After reading both articles and mentally digesting them, I started to think about women I find funny. The first women that came into my head were the women from the classic video The Queens of Comedy. And that was when I realized, both articles in Vanity Fair presented a world of mostly white humor. They did bring up the issue of Jewish humor, which according to Hitchens is predominately a masculine humor. The article on women threw in Maya Rudolph and Wanda Sykes amongst the world of whiteness. One has to wonder about women of color. Perhaps being doubly disadvantaged makes you less funny? Could it be that being paid even less in the workplace makes you have less and less time for cracking jokes?

Then I also wondered about Hitchens argument about relationships. This was quite heterosexist. One wonders about gay and lesbian couples. Apparently all gay couples sit around joking constantly, while lesbian couples sit around completely devoid of humor. I'm trying to understand how this historical development of men and women might affect anyone other than white, heterosexual men and women who are trying to get it on.

And yes, I'm painfully aware how unfunny this entire blog is. Time and place.

Here is one of my favorite parts of The Queens of Comedy video. The language is filthy (which is a surprise because a (sweet, precious earth mother) woman is speaking) and so I urge you to watch this at home or with headphones.

Maybe this is what Hitchens was afraid of? I'm pretty sure he wears dress socks.

why would anyone want to be a mother?

mother. when i think of the word mother, undoubtedly, i think of my mom. she is by no means a typical mother, but maybe she is. maybe she is just different from the images of mothers that we see in media. i started thinking about this upon seeing the two movies, juno and knocked up.

there has always been stereotypical images of mothers in media. but i do feel like in someof the newer movies, this image has changed. we've always had the images of mother as the sacred being, the heart to the family. it seems increasingly that the image of mother is becoming associated with being domineering, selfless, and well, bitchy.

here in this clip from juno, i think it shows this image. the mother (or hopeful mother) played by jennifer garner shows a woman who puts motherhood above all other desires. perhaps the image of motherhood is best demonstrated when posited next to our images of fatherhood. it appears as if the father is the one who sacrifices the most to become the husband and father. he has his own room for his guitar and music. he has submerged his identity to be part of this family. he has a good sense of humor. but what about her? it is as if being a wife and mother is what she always wanted.

when i watched this movie, i thought about how i identified more with the father character. he just seemed cooler. he liked good music. he had interests outside of the household.





and it happened again when i watched knocked up. the difference between the women and men was a more narrow margin, but i still felt that the images of the men were characterized in a "fun" way. they were the ones giving up more. the women were just asking them to do this. but you don't get the distinct impression that the women had to give up as much. thankfully toward the end of the movie, there is a scene where the mother and father (leslie mann and paul rudd) have a discussion that highlights the fact that she would like time on her own and that she sacrificed to be part of this family.




i just wonder where the images are of mothers who like good music, have hip movie posters hanging on the walls, and have a room full of their old stuff. the more i see these images, i wonder why anyone would want to be a mother?

The 3rd of April

So, today...around 2:00pm, I have officially been in this world for 32 years. I'll be honest, I've had some trouble approaching this birthday. It isn't a particularly landmark birthday- I'm not 18, 21, 30, or even 40...But there is something to me about being 32 that marks my moving away from being 30...and really moving away from being in my 20s.

A few things I've learned on this birthday:

1) I can officially fall into the category of "cougar", apparently. Thanks Walt!

2) 32 sounds old to young folks. My students asked my age and when I told them, they remarked with horror that I don't "look THAT old." A compliment, but wait, am I old?

3) I like to stay "busy," which I discovered by clearing my schedule for the momentous day...and found myself wishing I had papers to grade or at least some work to do. I know sad, but you know, birthdays lose their excitement and significance after 3 decades.

4) That my brother John is a fucking funny motherfucker (I can still curse...I'm not that old yet!) See below.

My brother John sent me a copy of Chuck Klosterman's Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs for my birthday at my request. Here is a transcription of the card he sent me:

"A funny story about the search for this book: I went to Borders and found the book listing in the computer. It said the book was in the "erotica" section of the store. So I went perusing in the steamy section looking for this book, wondering why I was in this section while trying to find a present for my sister. I got a few stares from concerned parents and the Jesus freaks, whom which I overheard say "Science is only fact, therefore, It's not based on the truth. God created the earth, and Satan created the scientific method." If facts are lies and opinions are the truth, we're all screwed!

At this point in my search, I decided it was time to ask a salesperson where I could find this book. "Oh! That book is on the 3rd aisle over, four books from the top. I've read it 3 times already!"

Bravo! My search was a success. So here is your literary device packed full of pop-culture amputations. I thought about including Chuck Klosterman's sequel to this: "Here's How He Tickled My Pickle" found in "erotica" at Borders bookstore, but I'll save that for next year."

I laughed out loud.

I laughed out loud quite a bit today, despite my boredom. I got some great e-cards, some great Itunes gift songs (including a great birthday song from my mom), a great youtube video gift (Thanks Timmie Longstockings), sweet phone calls, and some great gifts. Thanks to all that remembered my birthday. Tonight I'll be watching No Country for Old Men and watching Tim's every reaction to the film. (Thanks Davis!)

Again, I was worried about being 32. The other night I mentioned to Tim that I realized I was merely 8 years away from being 40. Not that 40 is the end of the line, but it is a milestone birthday. I started thinking about what I'd like to do in the next 8 years. I still haven't quite figured out what is on the list. Then I started thinking about how my family members have mostly lived long, long lives. My grandmother and grandfather are both in their late 80s...and this includes a myriad of bad habits over the years. Some of the same bad habits I indulge in. So, this means, I probably have at least 80 to 90 years in me. Then Tim reminded me this means I have more than likely only lived 1/3rd of my life. Fuck yeah, I have 2 more lifetimes left to live. And that makes 32 a little easier to fathom.

to be without a home, like a complete unknown

as many of you know, i visited nashville earlier this week. i was visiting vanderbilt because i had been accepted to their graduate program. there is always an interesting process of visiting a new school, new city. about two years ago, i went through this same process. i felt awkward. and i decided against going on for my doctorate. leaving for the trip this time, i was a bit apprehensive (as noted from my earlier blog).

but this visit to nashville and vanderbilt was different. i had the best time. i liked the program. i liked all the people i met. i had a fucking great time. and when i left on wednesday morning for my 10 hour drive home (albeit a bit foggy headed and driving through one hell of a storm)...i actually didn't want to leave. i figured this was a good sign.

i'm still waiting to hear from one other school, but it dawned on me today that even if this other school called me with the best possible offer, i still wouldn't want to go there. and so (drum roll please), i decided today to formally accept the offer at vanderbilt. that's right. you heard it here first. in august, i'll be moving to nashville. i'll be embarking on a whole new phase, new city, new school, and new friends. i couldn't be more excited.

a side note...i listened to dylan's like a rolling stone to honor the occasion...to solidify the memory, to put it to music.

fun with the family....

now, we just need jambe....the elves are coming for you...

the nature of men....

for those of you that don't know me...one of the quickest way to get my all fired up and pissed off is to say something like, "that is just the way men are..." or "that is just the way women are..." you know, the casual assumption that men and women are polar opposites, existing in two separate worlds. okay, we may live in different worlds...but not because we are so biologically different. i get really bent out of shape when i hear people say things like, "women are just by nature better with kids". fuck you. are we also better (by nature) at cleaning the house? and apparently keeping it in our pants?

what has me all fired up today? a few things....

for one, the whole deal with spitzer. last night watching the daily show, i was amazed at a point that stewart made about the differences in the way that spitzer was treated from larry craig. i'm sure you can find it on youtube (kathy saying disdainfully "everything is on youtube these days"). regardless, i was innocently checking my yahoo email account yesterday when i saw an article that claimed that SCIENTISTS could explain why powerful, wealthy, smart men like Spitzer would sleep with a prostitute or get involved in a sex scandal that could ruin his life? they reference other folks too...Hugh Grant, Bill Clinton, apparently the list was too long to include all of them. so what was the explanation?

evolutionary biology. goddamn it. it is the same argument that men, by nature, need to "spread the seed" around to ensure their genes make into the next crop/generation.

i took a whole semester of a class called gender and evolution. it was all based on this idea that our gender differences come from the evolutionary time period (apparently so does their research). okay, okay, i'm being over the top, but it all feels very simple. and i question how this wouldn't make women (from the evolutionary time period) want to sleep around too. perhaps she could sleep with as many different men as possible to ensure the strongest (and best) sperm fertilizes...wouldn't that be a way of weeding out the weak? well, how does she convince the menfolk to stick around to help her care for the baby and feed them? well, she certainly doesn't need to tell them her plan...make the strongest baby and then pick the strongest/richest/most stable man. then she has solved both problems. regardless, you should be able to tell that i think the evolutionary explanation for a man to sleep around is the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard.

i think this rant is also related to the fact that earlier this week, i picked up a copy of tim's gq magazine and read an article about "backburners". this term was relatively new to me, but the entire article was written by a fella who discussed the idea of how men have "backburners" also known as single women they have on the back burner in case something happens with their current relationship. besides the fact that the article seemed odd in that this particular fella was writing about his series of back burner girls...i think it feeds into a similar ideology. that men that need this outside attention of various ladies. i suppose it is in their nature? (please interpret my sarcasm). i almost wished there had been a rebuttal by this fella's current girlfriend about her "backburner" menfolk. what i'm getting at is again this idea that it is more in the nature of a man to have this than women.

don't get me wrong, i'm not condoning the idea of backburners, but simply implying how different it would be if this article had appeared in a magazine written by a woman or if a female politician had been sleeping around or even sleeping with prostitutes. but again....it just isn't in our nature, now is it?

i've also been thinking about the way that women are often portrayed as girlfriends or wives or mothers. when i saw the movie juno, i remember thinking about the drastic differences in the way that jennifer garner's character was portrayed from the way that jason bateman's character was portrayed. it seems often that women (in these particular roles) are portrayed with contempt. they are generally not "cool". they don't listen to cool music. they don't have fun hanging out with their friends. they don't miss their old life. they simply are ready to shack up, settle down, and procreate. it isn't just in this movie, but tons of others portray women in this light. i think these ideas make it difficult for any type of relationship or personal identity to prosper...to think you have to fit into this box. that women are suppose to be constantly nagging their husbands/boyfriends and that their counterparts are just sitting around trying to figure out a way to get away and spend the weekend with the boys.

there is even a commercial on now (though i think mostly on the ovation channel) that shows an older couple. the husband is trying to listen to the television (presumably a sports game- as we know women don't like sports) and the wife (in her typical nagging voice) shouts, "can you please turn it down?" the commercial is for a device that allows you to hear quieter sounds louder. the device is weird in itself in that it informs you that you can use this device to hear your neighbors' conversations...but while demonstrating this helpful, yet mundane fact...they show the older wife checking the mail and listening in on the conversation of two young women walking down the street. the young women are discussing their new neighbors (the old couple). one of the women says, "i haven't met her, but i've met him and he seems really nice." i bet. particularly if his biology has anything to do with it.

it has arrived...

it is here...tourist season that is. the wanted ads are filling up the paper looking for seasonal help. the roads are getting busier. and then today, while walking on the beach, i smelled it for the first time this season...suntan lotion.

as so it begins...again.

get nervous...

it happened last night. i finally got nervous about my upcoming trip to visit nashville. i'm sure the evil time change had part to do with it, but i found myself awake at 3am, tossing and turning...while my mind was not only singing dylan tunes in the background, but thinking of all the arrangements and questions that i have about my trip, and fuck, my entire life.

i didn't think too much about it when i finally did fall asleep and wake back up at a decent hour, but as i phoned in a hotel reservation...it came back. then when i left the house to run errands, i felt jumpy. i kept bumping into things. my hands can hardly keep still enough to type this right now.

i don't know why it happens, but change makes me incredibly nervous. hmm. i'm starting to consider how this might affect my political opinions...regardless, i feel awkward right now. i'm worried that i won't fit in during my visit. i'm worried that i won't be as bright as they thought i was. and then i started having really, really horrible thoughts, like "well, myrtle beach isn't that bad, after all..."

this nervousness is dangerous for me. it has kept me from doing tons of stuff i would have liked to in my life. excellent job opportunities and even excellent other school offers....but i get nervous. i get freaked out. and then the nervous laughter starts.

so, i'm warning you. if you get an email from me with typing errors...if this has typing errors, or we talk on the telephone and you hear the nervous laugh. forgive me, please.

Igor's Mudcats Welcomes...

baseball has finally arrived. i've started to question whether i'm actually seasonally affected with depression or perhaps the DSM might want to give a look into "the lack of baseball" affected depression. regardless, i avidly awaited the first day of spring training, thought it wasn't televised- i knew. i could smell it in the air. i could feel it in the air. and just like that- all of life's little problems seemed to drift away. watching a ballgame many years ago, a friend of mine mentioned that there isn't anything more perfect than a ballgame. i concur.

this past friday, the first televised spring training aired on espn. the braves and the dodgers. i had envisioned an afternoon of beer drinking, shit talking, and screaming at a television in a local bar, but due to a previous late night- i decided to do all of the following at home with the excellent technology of email and text message available to me. i also decided that watching a ball game would be the perfect time to set up my fantasy baseball team. tim's team had been assigned within a day, so i ranked my picks for the 2008 season. my team didn't get assigned until this morning and the anticipation was excruciating. igor's mudcats for the past couple of years have fared well. my first year almost (yes, almost)coming in #1 and last year falling somewhere near #6 or 7. i was hell bent that this year would be our year. so i unveil a few of our star pitchers for this year:


Johan Santana (take that!)









C.C. Sabathia









Jonathan Papelbon














i have an excellent feeling about this season, as i round out my pitching staff with some others: cordero, glavine, maddux, okajima, blanton and garza. i never miss an opportunity to have "the professor" on my team...nor do i miss a chance to put him on a team with some of his old teammates.

other than pitching...posada, saltalamacchia, kelly johnson, josh fields, yunel escobar, francoeur, raul ibanez, griffey, loney, cuddyer, rasmus, and theriot.

i must warn the players above...there might be changes before the start of the season, no hard feelings.

What Happens When You Are 31

i fully recognize the fact that i'll be 32 in only a few odd weeks, but while we are here...i find that in my age bracket, you find various things exciting and interesting...i won't go into a full list of these items, but rather express to you my excitement.

yes, i've been counting down the months (since last summer) and now, counting down the days (since last month) until the grand opening of the super bi-lo in my neighborhood. i grow quite attached to grocery stores and usually the folks that work in them (see an earlier post about the bag boy, pavel). regardless, the closest grocery store to our house is inadequate. you never can find any "weird" vegetables (ironically, this includes things like squash and bok choy), fresh herbs, and certainly finding tofu isn't happening. so you can only imagine my excitement in hearing that a super bi-lo would be taking its place in mid 2007. they missed the mark, but the grand opening is tonight.

you heard it here first. and it is even closer to my house than the old, fucked up bi-lo.

you would have thought tim and i were 80 years old (no offense, maw maw!)...as i emailed him with the news...."they've got an organic section"...and "i hear they have a cafe"...and "they are open 24 hours!" i'm not sure the last time i tried to go to the grocery store after dark, but apparently somewhere deep down, i feel this is a strong selling point.

now the funny part, i was on my way after work to the new super bi-lo. i called tim to share the joy. he was jealous. he might not admit it, but he was. so i asked if i should wait for him. and he said yes. that is what i'm doing right now. my anticipation is killing me.

what will it look like? where do they keep the flowers? and how big will the produce section be? the bakery? will titus still be working there? will they have new uniforms?

yes, it is killing me. it is also killing me that i wrote an entire post about the super bi-lo. you owe me bi-lo. you owe me big.

5 Items On My Bucket List

last night, tim and i had dinner at a tapas restaurant. yes, it was our valentine's celebration. see, it is very easy to get into any restaurant you want on the night before valentine's. i've never really been into celebrating this holiday. that being said, after one beverage at dinner, our conversation did not situate on us discussing love and relationships, but rather death. ha.

specifically i was thinking about a NPR podcast that i listened to about the movie, the bucket list. the podcast was less about the movie and more about the idea of creating a bucket list, which is apparently the list of things to do before you kick the bucket. and of course, i was struck with the idea that it is completely ridiculous to wait until you get the "6 more months" diagnosis...to do all the things in life that you'd like to do...if you thought time was running out. why not do those things now?

then i started thinking...what would be on my bucket list? this is the question that filled most of tim and i's romantic valentine's dinner conversation. ha. but here is the list...

1) Live in Prague (for a short or long period of time).

2) Travel the United States, very low key...sleeping in the back of a truck, camping, meeting the seedy underbelly all over the world.

3) Live with my Mom again.

4) Try any and every drug I have ever been curious about.

5) Learn to play the pedal steel and then tour with a rock band.

I finished my list and then realized these were all pretty selfish requests...so I figured I could throw one more item that would include doing something for the better good....

6) Create an animal sanctuary.

Plotting her escape...

i'm not sure if i've mentioned it or not, but i applied to doctoral programs for the fall of 2008. three places. vanderbilt. emory. and uva. it became part of my master plan to get away from myrtle beach. i mean, myrtle beach...we've had our good times, our bad times...but seriously, i need a little space.

regardless, today i heard from vanderbilt. i got accepted. i will be given an excellent package, if i choose this particular school. i've still got two more to hear from...so i'm not jumping to any conclusions. what if another school offers to give me a phd without having to attend? i'd probably take them up on that.

with that being said, it was the first time that i realized with assurance that i would be leaving the beach. regardless of whether or not the other schools want me, i have a place to go. i have a place that expects to see me in august. i scrolled through the current graduate students names wondering which one will be barnshaw? which one will be mike? which one will be my ewing?

on my daily walk on the beach, i sort of felt the joy and nostalgia of leaving a place. i looked out at the ocean and thought i'll miss it. when i arrived at school today and informed the department of my early news...they all were so very excited. they hugged me. they were proud. and i thought, yep, i'll miss it.

"And I
Never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you
And if I should ever go away
Well then close your eyes and try to feel the way we do today
And then if you can't remember...

Keep smilin'
Keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me
for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times
And bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for"

Being an asshole and such...

i honestly had no idea that i hadn't posted anything in so long...and that alone should be enough for you to recognize that i'm ultimately self-involved (why else would i have a blog?) and that i've been really caught up in myself lately.

besides school starting, i've also been in the process of going through some self revelations....those are actually quite boring, so i won't get into it right here, right now.

regardless, on friday night, tim, patrick, and i made our way to the pirates cove. the cove is one of the two places where we've heard someone playing the flaming lips over the loud speakers, so we like to frequent it. regardless, we also wanted to see this band, the magnolia network. i also had planned on watching them semi-sober, as i hadn't seen them that way before. there was a band opening for them called the second.

when the second started playing, i sort of pushed back in my chair realizing a night of planned sobriety was going to be more difficult than i realized. listening to the lyrics, tim and i made snide comments to one another. yes, surprise, surprise, i was being an asshole. yet again. and completely sober at that!

between the sets, a lovely young man came over and introduced himself, hopefully to be our third friend in this area...and while we were talking he asked if we had heard about the guy from the first band. so.....this is when i started feeling bad. apparently the guy was playing this show, because it is his last show. last show because he recently found out that he has cancer in his lymph nodes and has to have one of his arms amputated. i fucking kid you not. i think at this point in time, i decided it was okay to drink. sorry magnolia network, we'll try for complete sobriety some other time.

i spent the rest of the evening trying to imagine. i watched this young man walk around the bar, getting his picture taken with friends and family. joking with local patrons. and while i watched him smoke a cigarette with one hand and drink a beer with another- all i could think was goddamn......

and of course, the whole idea turns selfish for most people as you try to imagine yourself in this position. the fella was handling it obviously well. he seemed fine. he seemed nice even. and that made it even worse. here is someone going through a situation i couldn't begin to imagine, and he was doing it with such grace. not me. i wouldn't be graceful. i'd be drunk, belligerent, and demanding that the world owes me something. well a goddamn arm, for one.

i don't have any broad sweeping moral of this story. just some thoughts.