What do you resolve?

So, what do I resolve to do in 2007?

Well its complicated. Let me build up to it at least.

We had a pleasant new years. I'm not a big fan of the "new year" party/celebration. Ever since I could remember, I always fear that my plans will not be as exciting as I had hoped, thus dashing my hopes for the new year 1 minute into it...so I try to avoid have expectations for any type of celebration.

We decided to stay in and watch a movie. Then we walked out to the beach at 11:50pm. I took a bunch of pictures. This is one of the few decent ones. I think I took 20 pictures and Tim's eyes were only open in 2! If its any consolation for his closed eyes and my hair, the wind was blowing all over the place that night.

Regardless, the celebration was perfect. As you would imagine, people visiting at the beach like to shoot off fireworks, which I welcomed for this one occasion. Right at midnight, you could see fireworks going off up and down the coast (which was rather beautiful) and you could hear people in various hotel balconies along the coast screaming "happy 2007." it all was very beautiful.

while i was walking today, I started thinking about my plans. for those of you who know me well, you know that I'm a constant planner. I always have some type of project going on. Something I'm investigating. For example: recently I've been investigating: buying a condo/house at the beach, obtaining a grant to write a book, and going back to school for a teaching degree. So the moments when most people are mindlessly watching television, I spend these moments trying to plan my next move.

It is as if I'm always looking for the next step, how to improve. As if there is some type of chronic dissatisfaction, where I can't just stop and exist.

Reminds me of the line from Deconstructing Harry, "So you'd never have to give up sport fucking and chronic dissatisfaction and grow up."

I suppose some of this was brought on by the upcoming decision I have to make regarding UGA-Athens for my PhD. I was accepted last year, but deferred my enrollment. I have to either go this August or re-apply later in life. And I thought to myself, "why can't I just exhale and relax? why does there always have to be a "next" step? why can't I be like all those other people?"

So...I was walking on the beach, thinking..."okay, okay, okay...so what is your next step? what are you going to do this summer? next year? i need a plan."

And that's when I sort of stopped myself...I wondered why do I need a plan? I'm always planning because I want something more...in terms of education, work, money, satisfaction. So, I don't stop, I keep organizing and planning. Researching and filing away.

And it was then that I realized...I don't want to plan anymore. Well, actually I don't need to plan anymore. I questioned myself what I could possibly want...and realized ...

I have everything I could possibly want right now.

I just shuddered again thinking about it. I have: the love of a man that I'm going to share my life with, I have a teaching career where I make enough money to survive, I have free time to enjoy the weather and locale of where I live, I have three (ur, four) pets that I care about, I have old friends who I talk with pretty regularly, I have new friends that I am getting to know, I have my health (and who could ask for anything more....), my family, etc.

I think you get the point, but I realized I've been waiting for my life to begin...to be an adult. Planning for my next move when I would exhale and I would say, "I've officially made it." I'm not sure what means you've made it. Is it buying a house? Having a child? Getting a good job?Or can it also be all the things I listed above?

Regardless, I'll stop now...but I remember an old friend of mine wrote me a letter about how he realized one day that his life had started. he said he kept waiting for it to happen. then he realized as he drove to work listening to the morning DJs that- well, it had started. And I think it happens like that...you wait, but while you are doing all this waiting and planning and preparing, your life has started without your knowledge.

SO...I resolve to stop planning...well, sort of. I can't give up my daily lists. How would I remember to wake up everyday? But I'm going to stop planning these grandiose plans of whats next. I'm going to stop feeling that breath down my neck, telling me that I have to do something else. I think for a while I'm just going to enjoy working part time at the college and taking my daily walks on the beach. I'm going to read books and dig in my garden.

After all, there is time for the rest. And right now, I've got it all.